……For leaving bite marks all over my husbands chest last night.
No, really, Thank You! You have no idea what a nightmare you have just saved me and my kids from. To reward you for your services I am offering you my husband for keeps. Should you accept your prize please note the following rules.
1. You are going to have to financially support him. I say this because we have 2 children together (but you knew that) which means that he will have to give up a sizeable chunk of his pay to support them in the manner they deserve. Please keep in mind that since he has kept me a stay at home Mom for the better part of the last 11 years he will also be paying me alimony. So forget about his money honey…..cause it’s mine!
2. You will have to provide him with new attire. You see after he stepped from our (now mine) shower this morning dripping wet and naked is when I discovered your little “love bites”. It just so happened that at that EXACT moment a giant black hole appeared in my home and devoured almost all of his clothing. Therefore he will come to you almost naked (lucky you). The bright side is that you can dress him any way you want. Go nuts and buy him a leash and some vinyl attire or a cute little dress while your at it.
3. You will have to give him up every other weekend. This time will be set aside for his visits with his children. Since he openly admitted (in front of several people) that you are just “some dumb drunk bitch” that he met at a “tweakers” house you will be banned from these visits for fear of my children’s safety. Just so you know, that is also going to be the reason to have his visits limited (if not supervised). After all WTF was HE doing at a “tweakers” house in the first place?
4. You will not be having a proper sex life. Yes, I know that you didn’t fuck him last night. Since his back injury 4 years ago his penis hasn’t worked right. Too bad for you because before that it was THE BEST SEX EVER and we fucked all the time! however, now he’ll most likely disappoint you with his half hard member that only works with a little blue pill. Please don’t let that fool you. The little blue pill means that he comes within 2 minutes….hardly enough time for you and 98% of the time he will just be too embarrassed to even try. Stock up on your batteries and/or multiple sex partners! By the way, No it CANNOT be fixed. It’s nerve damage sweetie, deal with it!
5. You will NOT return him to me. I will NOT have him. He fucked up when he touched you! I was a good wife to him and he had a good thing going on here. Don’t be surprised if you don’t live up to me because you wont and he will make you miserable for it!
6. He will blame you for ALL of this. He told me, with tears in his eyes, that you giggled to him “I hope your wife sees that”. I don’t know if you said it or not. I don’t really care. However, just in case you did, your wish came true. I did see it, and he’s pissed. He’s so mad that you made that comment that when I punched him in the eye he apologized to me! Yes, I know violence is wrong and to be honest I’ve never hit anyone before. However, I am not sorry that I did and if I could have that moment back I would have simply aimed lower!
7. This one isn’t really a rule, more like a friendly warning. I will make sure to take up as much of his time with the most petty shit I can find to spite you. I will make it my hobby to hurt him and you the same amount my kids are hurting right now. Please be aware that he will take it, he will eat my shit for years with a smile. I was with him for 12 years, I know him better. Yes, I do feel completely justified in my actions. Just in case you were wondering. So Thank you, Jennifer the dumb drunk bitch from the tweakers house who left bite marks on my husband chest last night, for showing me that 11 years and 2 children were no match for you! I applaud you on a man well won. HE’S ALL YOURS YOU FUCKING WHORE!
